


Oh, Captain, My Captain

by coldwarqueer



Series: Grif Tinted Lens [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M, POV Second Person, Season 12 spoilers, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 06:26:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2057316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldwarqueer/pseuds/coldwarqueer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Lieutenant Bitters, and you are a soldier with a dead captain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh, Captain, My Captain

**Author's Note:**

> Companion piece to "Two Bottles of Whiskey for the Road"
> 
> This makes more sense with that in mind, but you don't have to read it to understand this.

Your name is Lieutenant Bitters, and you are a soldier with a dead captain.

* * *

The moment you lay eyes on Captain Grif you know that is the team you want to be assigned to. Captain Grif is loud and brazen and eats too much and stares at people who tell him to do anything at all, and you know you've found your Captain.

Captain Grif says he likes your whatever-the-hell-you-want, maverick attitude. You have never disobeyed an order in your military life. You say, ' _whatever_ ' because that is what Captain Grif seems to want to hear. You want nothing more than to praise your captain for whatever he does, but don't.

Because that would make you a kiss-ass. And nobody likes a kiss-ass.

* * *

Matthews wants nothing more than to be by Captain Grif's side and you have to awkwardly pat his shoulder and reassure him that he will be picked for the team.

"How do you do it, Bitters?" he asks you, looking at you from behind his visor. "Why won't he pick me?"

You don't have any words for him, besides, "Nobody likes a kiss-ass, Matthews."

You wish Captain Grif liked a kiss-ass.

* * *

Captain Grif never smiles. He makes a lot of jokes, and he laughs (it always sounds so bitter), but Captain Grif never smiles. Captain Simmons tells you of a time when Captain Grif used to smile for days on end, when just the smell of dinner could put a smile on his face.

You wish you had known Captain Grif when he smiled. You think he would have a nice smile.

* * *

The only time you've seen Captain Grif cry is after a particularly hard training regimen. Captain Grif hardly moves a muscle during them, and you follow his lead, but he still cries afterward. He is sobbing into Captain Simmons' shoulder, without his armor, vulnerable.

You listen to them talk (Captain Grif's words all sound like sobs) from where you sit outside Captain Simmons' tent, and you pick up bits and pieces of their life before Chorus, of their life in Blood Gulch.

" _Remember when we buried Sarge?"_

" _No,_ you _buried Sarge, I stood next to you and made digging noises with my mouth."_

You smile because that is your captain. You are proud to be his lieutenant, even when the things he teaches you are selfish and crude, he teaches you the importance of the self, and he makes sure you know that he is important to himself.

* * *

You cry at night because Captain Grif doesn't take care of himself. He is so important to himself, but he doesn't care for himself. He doesn't shower, despite how captains get water privilege above lower ranks, he only eats junk that makes him cranky, and you are tired of seeing him slowly destroy himself.

You do the one thing that you know will get you in trouble. You raid Captain Grif's food locker. You want a rise out of him. You want to see emotion. You want him to be angry at you.

You take the item on the top shelf that sits by itself, unlike all the others. It tastes musty and old, but you don't care. All you want is for Captain Grif to get angry at you.

He gets angry, alright. You are struggling not to puke in your visor as he screams and yells, he calls Matthews Simmons, and he starts to cry when Simmons says he sounds like "Sarge" (you still haven't been told who that is).

You regret stealing from your captain. You regret making him mad. But you do not regret the fire you have lit in his gut, even if it had only been for a moment.

* * *

You regret eating that- whatever it was. You spend the night vomiting, and you don't have a good time. You intend to go apologize, and walk outside to where the captains' tents are. Captain Grif is never in his tent. Captain Caboose always wanders the compound at night. Captain Tucker spends all night sitting outside the opening of his tent running his fingers over his gun and talking to someone who isn't there, someone named "junior."

You stop outside of Captain Simmons' tent, where you can see him and Captain Grif together, as they usually are.

Your stomach does flips as you hear their breathy moans, and you can see their shadows through the thin material of the tent. You knew they were close, you had seen the way Captain Grif rested his head on Captain Simmons' shoulder, the way Captain Grif trusted Captain Simmons with his tears and his nightmares, and you had chalked it up to being the only remaining survivors of Red Team.

You never thought seeing them together like this would make you feel so sick.

Captain Simmons rolls over and you scurry away. You will apologize tomorrow.

* * *

Captain Grif is gone. He is not the only one. All the captains are gone. You feel guilt rolling in your gut and you try not to think about the terms of your parting. They had said absolutely nothing about this departure.

You are still bitter about Captain Simmons, because you can't help but feel like you are being kept from your captain. You have untouched feelings deep down in your chest, and it's not indigestion this time.

You try to convince yourself more than anyone else that they never cared about you in the first place.

* * *

You don't want to believe Felix when he tells you your captain is dead. Captain Grif can't be dead. He would do everything in his power not to die. Be it run or shoot or leave his friends, Captain Grif cannot be dead.

You feel sick to your stomach, and you have been feeling sick a lot lately, when you think about how everyone else must be feeling. Jensen, who looked up to Captain Simmons as someone who had infinite knowledge, Smith, who idolized Captain Caboose and his boundless wisdom (even though you think, why? Why does Captain Caboose have boundless wisdom when he can never throw a grenade _over_ the wall?), and Palomo, who couldn't keep his fucking mouth shut about Captain Tucker.

And then there's you, pining over Captain Grif.

You raid your captain's food locker and gorge yourself on the rest of his food while you cry. You understand why Captain Grif never smiles, because you have the worst stomach ache of your life, worse than the years old Lil Debbie Jelly Cream Pie. He must really hate himself if this is how he feels all the time.

* * *

Your name is Lieutenant Bitters. You are a soldier with a dead captain, three comrades in need of moral support, and a very bad stomach ache.


End file.
